I say I look, and observe, and know others; but; why not observe myself?
In the great days of yore, psychologists and other thinkers of people - philosophers - worked on introspection; it formed the basis of much of their writings, and indeed remains much quoted and respected to this day. No longer is this fashionable, but I decided to do a bit of introspection anyway.
I noticed something the other day; something that is a part of me and has happened for a fairly long time until this point, but the most recent instance was different. Why. Because I watched it myself; I watched my own feelings and reactions to the situation; the way red flags went up and certain cogs started moving. I recognised them, found them interesting; but, ultimately, as I say, arbitrary. I decided it right to stop them. It worked, a little bit, but felt very bit strange after.
What am I talking about? As you know, this is a blog of a narcissist. What is it about narcissists? Apparently we are full of ourselves - not even in a superficial sense, but fundamentally, in terms of the self-centerednessthat is part of our reality; the feeling which precedes all phenomological experience, and isn't 'bad' or 'arrogant', but simply a part of our personality - yes; but, strangely enough, we all have a certain sense of fragility about us. I have a citation for this, but I'm choosing not to use it, as I want to keep this free-flowing. This fragility - self-doubt, loathing, whatever the poets may choose to call it - is the reason which spurs us on a never-ending pursuit of 'chronic self-enhancement'; simply for the fact we may feel better about ourselves and escape our own scalding view of others as somehow imperfect.
Anyway; the 'problem', or feature, seems to be mainly in the pride (I presume that) such narcissism affords. With excessive pride comes an intolerance for imperfection. In myself as well as everything else; this drive, whilst perhaps good in a few rare, isolated instances, is, I noticed, generally bad. It works to the detriment of myself as well as those around me.
So what actually happened. Briefly - I was texting an ex. She suggested that, were she to visit soon, she 'doubted I'd be able to control myself'. Again, I feel the flags go up just in talking about it. It was precisely this phrase which kicked it all off. Immediately after comprehending what she said, her mindset, the affront to my self-esteem was intolerable. Then, for her to speak as though (her impression of me) I was anything BUT in total, 'perfect' control of myself, was very difficult to bear indeed. Now when this usually happens, I slam the person; I am fickle, and dismiss and forget about them. I don't pay attention to it; I judge them as otherwise-misinformed and feel insulted they'd insinuate such lack of self-control of my part. This has happened before with her; in requesting for sex for instance, being told, 'no'; I've taken it personally and, basically, thought, well fuck you then... I remember watching her sad eyes on seeing me discard her those nights and adopting that attitude. 'It's not personal!' she protested. I probably lay there and grumbled. Now I see that she had a very valid point.
Ok. So we glimpse the strange mechanics of my personality. But then, obviously, I am inclined to ask - if this is something to the detriment of myself and others around me, -- why is it there? This reaction seems to have its basis in nothing but arbitrariness. So, in line with what I say and the way I think things should be (never arbitrary, always reasoned, or having some evidence-base), I've decided, enough. I say no more being bitchy to people about my own shit. If you don't do the best that's normal. Deal with it and maybe try better next time. Yes, sometimes you will 'succumb to temptation', but so what; you'll wake up then next day and carry on anyway. You're a person, like everyone else; sometimes you fall off the horse; like everyone else. It's normal. Get back on it and stop whinging.
...I seem to have a nasty streak which takes nothing serious, given its (apparent, to me) lack of grounding in any social reality (which I deem as more veridical than others - namely, in reading a form versus having a chat). To illustrate: my upcoming dissertation. I was reading some paperwork on it recently, and again, found myself thinking, 'ha, third year dissertations. How insignificant. This is a chore for the University; no one really cares about them. You're still just a graduate. Dear o dear'.
... What outlook is this? Where would this take me? At what point do you stop being 'just' anything? The scary thing was, I realised that this view would have no end. 5, 10 years from now, I would be working in some career - whichever one I end up pursuing - and, with this same mindset, not take any of it seriously; to see it all as bureaucracy; and a chore to most. Nothing would ever be completely 'as I want it', and I would spend forever chasing a dream.
Yesyesyes, no one cares, rahrahrah, and all the rest of it -- but; what if I perhaps was, am, actually - wrong? Thinking rationally, this is the far more likely option than me being right. What if my ex didn't mean it personally? What if the University does care about its graduates? What if some people are interested in your dissertation? What if people aren't 'people', but merely products of their social environment, and I've only completely succumbed to the same Fundamental Attribution Error I try and make a very careful point to avoid..?
This is quite the thing to get your head around; I feel as though I am going through a similar experience as that gone through by Descartes. A deconstruction of one's own reality solely for the sake of empirical truth. It is difficult; very strange - I'm navigating my way through unchartered waters here. How should I behave in a given scenario with my new outlook and aims; how should I navigate my own social world. The feeling - upheaval, unfamilarity - is quite unpleasant, and incredibly difficult. For now though, it is something which seems something worth pursuing, I think.
It is almost like trying to pull a knife out of someone. They say just pulling it out is not the best way to handle it. Conversely, it would be psychologically catastrophic if I suddenly discarded my pride. This is something which must be worked and, and slowly drawn out; laid to rest. Perhaps life is better when not taken so seriously; perhaps 'just letting go' is something to live by.
To end? Maybe my outlook is incorrect; maybe I am just another person who has views on others solely on the basis of my own limited experience. This is easily the more likely account of reality; its about time I started learning to live with it.
No comments:
Post a Comment